mizsillystina

Taking A Break.

2008-04-11T02:18:25Z

I'm wasting time again. I've wasted a lot of time lately. I've been too distracted with life. I've let my personal life distract me in focusing school. I wish these distractions would be fixed already, because I can't even concentrate in school anymore. It used to be so easy, well not easy.
Ok I got 2 mins left before I got to get back to studying. I'm so glad I have such wonderful/close friends in my life. I honestly think that they kept me sane in this situation. Theyre the ones I wake up to, looking forward to school. I love meeting new people, and then having a few becoming a close friend to me. It's a great feeling. Love it. Especially those who you just met, but it feels like it's been forever since you know eachother. Thank you. Time's up. By the way,

SJSU's LU'AU!
APRIL 26 @ bARRETT BALLROOM IN THE STUDENT UNION @430PM
FREE FOOOD
-WIN GREAT PRIZES
-HEAR A HAWAIIAN LOCAL BAND: ISLAND RIDDIUM BAND
-ENJOY THE POLYNESIAN PERFORMANCESS
Unfortunately, it's 25$. It will be worth it though! COME OUT AND SHOW YOUR LOVE AND SUPPORT FOR ME!! AND THE OTHERS.
TALK TO Me FOR MORE DETAILS. IT"ll BE WONDERFUL TO HAVE YOU GUYS THERE.

Leona Lewis

2008-04-09T04:32:16Z

April 8, 2008. i was soo excited in getting the CD. I've waited soo long for it to come out in the US. Today was the day. I bought the CD for $12.99 at costco. It made me So happy. She's so amazing. Her songs, are so metaphoric, and meaningful. It's really truly wonderful.
1- Bleeding Love.
I think every girl has experienced that hurtful heartbreak from a guy. You think that you can't open up your heart anymore to any guy anymore, until that one special guy "cut[s] [your] heart open and you keep bleeding love." I think by using "bleeding love" as part of the song, really gives you a visual..well not anything gory, but you're flown with love from that guy. Like he opened your heart and made you feel love again. It's amazing, it'll be definitely one of my all time favorites. I think I can relate to it a lot too.
6-Misses Glass
This song is also one of those that knows somewhat who I am. I won't let love in again because of what it did to me, it broke me up like glass. I lie to myself that I'm tough, and strong but I'm so far from being unbreakable. So i guess my name should be Misses Glass. ::Being tough, so I can hold my heart in place instead of breaking and falling apart. Acting like I can guard it.
9-Yesterday
This song amazes me. I think it can be for a significant other or someone you lost. It's kinda sad, but also kinda somewhat optimistic. LIke you really don't know what's going to happen in the future, so you look back to yesterday, holding onto those great memories you had with someone. They can't just take yesterday away.
They can take tomorrow
And the plans we made
they can take the music
That we'll never play
All the broken dreams take everything
Just take it away
but they can never have yesterday
They can take the future
That we'll never know
THey can take the places
That we said we would go
All the broken dreams take everything
Just take it away
But they can N E V E R take yesterday.

So yah, Love leona lewis.

Failure..

2008-04-05T23:02:44Z

Life isn't fair. I've accepted that. I had always thought of the bright side of life, knowing the reasons to why things happen. Everything happens for a reason.

So then I've accepted that I'm not one of those stereotypical Asians/MSJ alumnis who attends a UC or a well educated school. I've accepted that Most of the Schools I thought I deserved into, rejected me. I've found reasons to why I ended up SJSU. I've accepted the fact that unlike me, others cheated their way into a good college. It's just unfair to have worked so hard, and not be able to get anything you deserve. I've never cheated in high school. I never unfinished any homework at all and just relied on people to copy it. Sure i left some problems out because i didn't know how to do it, but I still asked for help. I never looked at other people's papers. I never lied on my college applications, even though i was SO tempted to, I never did. I told the honest true or at least tried to. It sucks knowing that your cousins all got into wonderful schools then their parents brag to others.. I'm proud of them honestly, I am. But it pisses me off when I tried harder..or even just about the same as them and still ended up not getting anywhere. To some, I got better scores than them. To others, I did more extracurriculars than them. So why didn't I get into any other schools? Is it because of the major i put down? because if so, then the whole college system is messed. Why should one get into school as undeclared than have someone who put a major down and get rejected? If that's the case, then just put undeclared. I guess it's just how you play the game.
Of course, knowing parents who are proud of their children, they brag to my mom. My mom today said to me "it's embarrassing that you guys dont try so hard."..I don't think so. I think I tried very hard, maybe comparing to other MSJ students I didn't. So then I thought, is she embarrassed i go to SJSU? She said she put so much money into our education and we're not going anywhere. Comparing to my cousins, they went somewhere. It sucks I hate to compare myself to them, but i think i did JUST as MUCh as THEY DID or even MORE. (sorry cousins if this makes you sad) I mean I am honestly glad they got to great schools, don't get me wrong, I guess i'm just mad at the fact that my mom is dissappointed in all of us, that she thinks all we want is to have fun, and that she's embarrassed. I could've gone to the other schools I've got accepted in..but at last minute I decided to stay here to help my mom because she gave me a guilt trip saying how she has to worry now about finding time to take my brother and sister to their places and then also finding time to carry out the business.
I've been so good all my life. Trying to live the way God has planned for me. I don't smoke, I don't party with alcohol, I don't drink, I've never sneaked out at night. I don't even go OUT that much with my friends. But why does it seem that she thinks we're like failures. Not going to any good school, Not living up to HER expectations. I mean, I could understand that she tried so hard to put us through a better life than she has, but you know, no matter how much you try in life, sometimes it doesn't work out. So, I've accepted that I chose to go to SJSU, I believe that God has something planned for me at the school because I definitely can't find any fault. I'm loving the school. I made so many wonderful people who actually became like my family. The education is pretty good and it's well known for engineering. There's a polynesian club and it isn't as ghetto as people think it is just cuz it's in downtown SJ. The only sidebacks is my mom. She's always complaining, nagging, and making it seem like we're not doing it well enough FOR HER. I gave up living in a college life for this. I'm not a very selfish person when it comes to people who i care and love.
It seems as though she's never proud of us at anything. For piano, I mess up sometimes during recital, and it's not because I didn't know how to play it, it's because I get really nervous. And there's not once where she's like it's ok honey..no everytime it's why didn't you practice harder, it's embarrassing to be one of the parent of a child who messed up. That kind of stuff brings me down, it didn't stop me from loving the piano though. For tahitian performances, she always have something to complain everytime. it's too loud, you guys aren't as good, i couldnt see anything. That stuff really hurts and gets really annoying. Christine's parents who was sitting at the same table as my mom, got up from their seats to move onto the floor so they can see christine. EVEN if she was in the farthest back, they still cheered for her, they were soo excited to see her to see the performance they were SO proud of her even if she was in the back I really envy that...my mom..all she did was complain even if we were in the first/second row. It makes me sad really sad..but that didn't stop me from dancing. I just don't want her to come anymore to any of the shows because I'm just so fed up with her complaining and unappreciativeness..For driving teset, she said i was going to fail. I proved her wrong. I passed with my first try at fremont dmv (supposedly harder than pleasanton) with -5. But all she sed to me was..your tester was definitely blind. Again, unappreciativeness. For drama when i was in elementary school, always compared me to others..see that person looks soo good! but you..siigh nothing..man..TO me it seems like we're at failures to everything...no appreciativeness. The only thing she appreciates us in is in school or if we clean the house. And to actually get her attention, it has to be a better score than what she recieved in school. If we get an A in english, which is one of my tough class, she'll say, you have better get an A that's easy! easy for her, hard for me.
So ok, i get it, she wants us to be the best. but we are who we are we're not perfect. I just wish she would thank us..appreciate us for things instead of always complaining.

I wish i can go to the praise night tonight, i love these things. I love listening to sermons/testimonies and singing. But she said "you guys go to church anyways, just stay home and do hw"...that makes me mad..in between the times from now til 7 i can do my hw..church isnt enough. We should be doing it everyday. It seems like my mom is lving the life she wants not what God wants. It scares me like she just lost the love in Him. God please show me the way to help spread the love of your words into her.

Is it me?

2008-04-03T01:47:16Z

Is it me or does it seem like the weather always reflect on how you're feeling.
I think, I'm a shy person. I think that I don't make very good first impressions. But i think the reason to not making very good impressions is because I'm nervous. Isn't there a saying that says something like..if you're nervous it only means you care? so i guess if i think a lot and become nervous then i must care a lot. That's a good thing right? hopefully.
I don't like how when something leaves out of my life, i feel like i left a bad impression..an impression that I don't want to leave. I want to leave my footprints in their hearts. I want to be remembered as sup3r stina..not just a typical girl. I guess to really leave a footprint is to spend more time on it. It's like the beach..the bigger hole you dig in the sand, the longer it will leave in imprint on the beach. Rather if you digged a small hole, the water will put in more sand in that small hole faster. yah..It's just me.

Hopeless

2008-04-03T01:15:07Z

I think I'm feeling hopeless. I think I'm losing hope in everything. I feel like I'm not going anywhere with anything. In school, in relationships(not just with boys but with friends and family), in myself.

I feel like school is so pointless now. I think I'm merely just doing it for the sake of others. I guess since in this world, to live off "well" you must be somewhat financially stable. In this lifetime, to get a good job, you need to be educated, unless you were just born being majestically beautiful, hot, rich, or smart, then wow congratulations, your life has been almost set. But for people like me, who have to work hard to get that degree and find that job, sometimes it gets frustrating. I think I'm frustrated how much work we have to do just to get that point. I think, that it's so retarded how since we hit preschool we're constantly learning and working and being under pressure. It's a never ending cycle..until you're old and grey when you can't even do much stuff. I enjoy learning, don't get me wrong, but I just don't like how we have to give up some hours of sleep, give up some part of your weekend, all to school. What i see in my life is that, school drives people away. Work drives family stress. What real good comes out of it? I mean, I know if you get great grades, graduate with the highest degree, you can get a good job, support your family, but I guess I'm just looking for something more meaningful from school. There are a lot of pros in school, like meeting new people, learning and growing from them, but I don't know. I guess I'm just feeling tired of going to school and doing so much homework and studying. I think, someday with my major, I'll make something Good Out of it, and then let people know it was from the goodness of my heart, something that can't necessarily be taught. So I guess it all adds up, cause you can't really do good in something if you're not really familliar with it. Like being a doctor, you can't just insert a shot anywhere and be like this is right, I'm doing good. What if you like injected the wrong area and made an even bigger error, So i guess all in all it all works out?? right? Hopefully.

With relationships. I think I'm tired. I've noticed, that every one of em, never gets past very long. I guess it's cause I feel like they can do so much more out of their life, and they don't need me. I think my life is kinda complicated maybe because i make it like that. But it's not like i do it on purpose I just think it's because of who i am that makes me make the decisions in my life to make things complicated. So because of this, I think theyre better off finding someone else that has more to them than i can ever give right now at this time. I think I feel like, I need to try growing as a person to fully be ready. I still don't think I feel ready. No matter how much I want it, Sometimes what you want, isn't something you need right now. I don't need it. I mean, it's nice to be in one right now. But it just all adds up..bad timing. Wrong time. For once, I listened to my heart. Once that day happened, i realized it wasn't going to happen/work out now because of just all this unreadiness. I think i made a good decision. Eventhough it was probably one of the hardest things i had to do, I just had a feeling that one of us, maybe even both of us, wasn't feeling it anymore. It felt right, just not right now. I mean, I can't 100% say what will happen in the future, because I don't really know. I think I'll leave it in the hands of God. I think the biggest regret is feeling I screwed up His plan. I think, i wanted it SO much, i rushed it. Instead of following God's flow, I took the shortcut out, because of my drive of wanting that SO badly. It was selfish of me. Very selfish. It's hard for me to admit it, but yes, I'm selfish. Even though i miss every moment of what it was, time just isn't right, feelings come and go. and who knows. whatever.
Then I realized, there isnt any real traits that I'm looking from anyone. I guess what I'm looking for is their passion, dedication, motivation. Someone who makes everything worth while, when we both know it isn't. But then again, I'm not looking for anyone. I think I finally cleared up my mind, I'm not ready, Not looking. Maybe in the future when i get all my life back together in one piece. I never knew how far low i went down this time, but I did, and now it's my duty to put it all back together the way it should be. I think I need to focus on my life, before sharing my life with someone else..it was hard..so hard..but i just know it was the best for me.

Friends...I don't know what i did wrong to make you think that I wasn't a good friend. You know it hurts a lot to hear that from you. I've tried on being your friend. I forgot about "our" past, and tried starting anew. You didn't reach me half way so I guess when time came, i was tired of trying to be someone close in your life, and realized all i could be was just a friend to you. But after what you said to me, I don't think we'll ever be close friends. It hurts a lot hearing what you said to me, what was actually going through your mind. I wish we could sit down and talk about it, but I know, you won't do it. siigh.

Hope for the Best, Expect the Worst

2008-03-26T05:48:01Z

I'm lost, I don't know where to even begin. I have all these scrambled up thoughts in my head and I don't know how to clear them out. It's time after time like this and each time...i keep my hope up only because I want to hope for the best, but I know i need to stop being naive, and expect the worst.

I'm lost because I don't know where I'm going. I don't know what to do next. Sometimes I should just go with the flow, but I really can't help the fact that I think so much and over analyze things. I try not to, I try not to worry, I try to just not think of what I should do next, and just do it. It's like every step I make, I think. I think of every little thing to be certain that I'm not making any mistakes. I guess it's normal for someone to be just as careful as me, but sometimes being too careful can also get you into trouble. The trouble with me is that the more I think, the more I start to worry and become somewhat pessimistic. I don't know where any of this is taking me. All i know is..to get good grades, spend time with friends and family, and Love God, but..where am i going with my life..what's my purpose? What do i need to do now? I'm stuck at this point..the point of where my decision will turn around with just one move. It's like chess.
I can take a sacrifice to reach whatever i'm reaching forward to, I can take every step with caution, I can just give up and call it a check mate. I really don't know. I gotta hope for the best and expect the worst.

I need to keep in mind, that the best things in life are worth waiting for. That's another problem. I'm very impatient. That is probably one of the worst qualities about me. I hate waiting. Today, we went go kart racing, and we were in line for food. It took alone about 30 mins to wait in line and have the lady take our order and another 30 mins to GET our food. At the point, i became restless. What made me mad the most is that, it shouldn't have been SUCH a LONG wait. All they really do, is take the food out of the freezer, pop it in the microwave or deep fry it. Their problem is their organizational skills. They could have done a couple at the same time instead of looking at the order, and taking the food out once they read that they need it. THen there wre workers that would stand around...lounge around....looking to what to do ..that made me mad. I'm here waiting for my order and all she could do was look around....I wasn't the only one who was complaining though a lot of other people were. This lady who wanted a hotdog waited for a long time and others who waited after her got their order before her. I guess, her hotdog was burnt..so she asked for another one. Then this guy who was in line AFTER me got his order before us..and the lady sed..it's cuz you guys have more orders on yours..and THAT JUST TICKED ME OFF.I told her..i only ordered ONE more hot dog..how much more can that be? I waited 30 mins for my order and you guys give one part of the order to hiM? that's unfair. I could give my sister THAT hamburger and i could just have waited for my hot dog. why would you give someone else that order? so dumb. I don't know if that involves me being patient. It somewhat does. At the end..my corndog..was still uncooked cuz there was still batter in the inside, and my hotdog inside was still coold -_____- but i ate it anyways cuz id int want to wait ask them to heat it up..since all they do is just pop it in the microwave anyways. lame.
So yah..i need to be patient. I guess it goes to "love" too. The bible says love is patient. I almost forgot about that. Love is patient. It doesnt work out if you're not patient, patient waiting, patient with eachother, patience is a virtue. It's so hard to follow it, because i tend to just want it off the bat, but I guess i learned from the past, when i went too fast, it never ended long. I should know by now that patience is everything. I need to keep that in mind. be patient and good things will eventually come, even if now isnt the best time, just gotta hope for the best and expect the worst.

Last night, I talked to Christine over the phone about my current issue, and she said to just keep going with the flow, don't annotate it. Just keep doing it, and see where it leads to. Hope for the best, Expect the worst.

sigh..too much thinking..if only everything was just so easy.

mizsillystina @ 2006-10-21T08:47:00

2006-10-21T15:48:10Z

haha..i figured out where my name came from..a book..

book: Lay with me, Lie with me

Justina Packard, a fifty-one-year old university professor, begins an affair with Sasha Psipsopoulos, a thirty-year old student, forcing both of them to question their ethics and moral in their unwillingness to break it off. This is the story of that year in their lives when their search for individual freedom becomes instead a profound love for each other, as Justina learns that freedom is possible only in isolation and Sasha learns that he has to love in order to be free...

wow ok..i thought sasha was a girl but its actually a boy..and wtf im like 51 years old..haha this is sucha weird book.

whee

2006-09-07T05:43:10Z

LOVE OR GREED?
KEEP TRYING FOR HOPE OR GIVE UP TRYING?

hmm...
school sucks..all my classes sucks. sept..3,4, 2, 6
but if i change only 1st period my schedule will be better. 5th is so lame no body interesting in there..

yes baby one mor year andim out of here !! :D

FRANCES TANG AND DENNIS CAME TO VISIT whee highlight of day. Im going to miss them all over :[>>well seniors in general but FRANCES THE MOST :]

FRIENDS OR LOVERS?

mizsillystina @ 2006-07-03T22:11:00

2006-07-04T05:14:59Z

ap exams sucks. im not sending in my scores. made me cry cuz of sadness. and it sucks too. wasted money..sof ar its looking as if my life (academically) is failing. and it realy sucks. i started from a straight a student to a straigh F student (well not F) but it really sucks. especially cuz i once did so well and now all these failure and dissapointment into sat scores, subject scores and now even ap exam scores is making me so depresed..happy pills anyone? im jk. but seriously..man its just so sad. i hate going to msj. if eel like an idiot here everyone is crying cuz they got like a 4 or whatever and to me i guess they are really into academics or whatever. and i think its so pathetic how they acting that way. but i guess i understand if they studied really hard and still ended up with a 4..but for me i study .study study but tahts not enough . is uck at academics......man..so sad.

i gotta get out. ap just totally made my summer bad.

THANKS

2005-08-11T07:01:53Z

HeY guys thanks ReGGiE for doing it..cuz i dont know this LJ stuff..dont know where to put html or anything so ya REGGIE did it..ill probaly use this thing i guess...add me on myspace: www.myspace.com/mizsillystinababy oh and IM NOT A LONER!! loser. hahahahha uh im in hawaii rite now..and add me wenever u see this..hahahhaa..kk baii!!

mizsillystina @ 2005-08-10T23:42:00

2005-08-11T06:43:24Z

hey world! this is reggie updating for justina cuz she doesnt know how to use lj. anyway, add her as a friend cuz stina is a loner =P